We have all been through it a million times; heartache or a death of a friend or family member. Moving on is always the advice that everyone gives, but have you ever stopped to think that maybe just maybe it is okay to never move on.
She was sitting there sipping on her latte’ with her phone in her hand, he mind clearly still stuck on everything that he did to her. “Move on” she keeps muttering over and over again, being careful to not let the words slip from my own lips. I didn’t want to throw it at her, she had known that all this time. Not that she didn’t want to, I mean who wouldn’t want to be magically happy again? She just can’t.
He sent her a text message as she was on the way home from her mothers. She spent the night there because they had gotten into a horrible fight the night before. “I don’t want to do this in person, and I would rather you not come home. I don’t want to be with you right now, and I think it is time for us both to move on.” The text message said.
He put her things on the lawn and with that he was just gone. That was it. Three years of her life just meant nothing, everything they had said and done was just gone. A distant and painful memory now. She couldn’t even cry because she felt so hollow inside. Her whole world just came crashing down with a text message.
Almost a year has passed now but he is still very much the center of her universe, while she is just a distant memory now to him. In the past she would have broken down while talking about him, but now she makes a conscious effort to keep herself together. She wishes that she didn’t feel anything; not love or hatred she wishes that it would just go away. And even though he is nowhere to be seen, he sits inside her head in the form of memories, like the monster that is hiding under the bed. If by fate she runs into someone that she thinks could be god for her, that person merely exists in association to him.
I immediately become clouded by my own fears and experiences with each word that she says. She kept staring at me hoping that a word of comfort might leave my lips, that I would hug her or make her feel something that she hadn’t felt before. The only thing I could muster was, “Don’t move on, maybe?”
The more we try to control ourselves, the more gripped we become by our unconscious desires and impulses. There are a lot of things that are out of our control and we can choose the thoughts that we want to think. At times we may not know it, but we do not really want to move on. We go through pain voluntarily sometimes. Until then, we have to go with the flow of life, make peace with our love and wait for it to get easier.
Just make yourself ready, when you want to let go, it will be effortless. It will not be as hard as it may seem to be now. And who knows, that day may never come, you may never want to let go. But you will learn to live with it, you will find someone else and this person you have held onto in the past will become just another part of your soul. A person you will always remember. You will remember him as a lesson, he will sit inside your head with no control over you anymore. He will be in the invincible parts of your existence.
At times, you will choose to close your eyes and tell yourself, “Maybe it is okay to never completely move on.” That will be what it takes, in those moments you will know that that is enough.